I've finally realized I'm not good at relationships.  To be more specific, I can't find anyone to be in a good relationship with me.  My longest relationship was probably 2.5 years.  I'm not really proud of that. 

My past two boyfriends averaged around 2.5 years.  One turned out to be a druggie and the other- well we just weren't good for each other.  Druggie right now is serving a prison sentence and The Ex and I haven't spoken in a few years.  I stopped dating Druggie in 1996 and broke up with The Ex in 2001.  At this time, I'm not really sure what I'm doing.  I've been seeing/dating/talking to/being “friends” with Mr. Big going on 3 years.  That's right, a guy who will never live with me, never marry me, never give me a full committment is my longest “relationship.”  What the hell is wrong with me?

Mr. Big and I haven't had The Talk since we started seeing each other again.  I really don't even feel like having The Talk.  Then it starts becoming complex.  Mr. Big called me Saturday and asked me to come out with him.  We went and hung out at the river for hours.  Then we went back to his place and watched a movie.  Our relationship is so screwy. 

It started out great.  We dated, we hung out.  I made him wait forever for some nooky.  I could always call him if I needed something.  I met and hung out with the majority of his friends.  Got along with all of them.  He was always there for me.  He was probably the nicest, sweetest boyfriend I ever had. 

Then something happened.  I'm not sure exactly which event screwed us up.  First he moved from his apartment into his fixer upper house.  Then I told him I loved him.  Then I moved from my apartment back into my mom's house.  There was now a 45 minute distance between us even though we still lived in the same city.  He was always hanging out with his friends.  I could never get a sitter.  He couldn't come spend the night at my mom's house.  It was never the same after that.

No matter how many times I break up with him, he always wants me back.  Even though deep down it's never going to work.  My age is wrong.  My skin color is wrong.  Not for him.  He doesn't mind this.  In public, he feels people stare.  I say screw it, let them stare.  These are things that can't be changed.  This is me.  This is you. 

I don't know what he is doing tonight.  I don't know what he is doing tomorrow.  The odds of him calling are nil.  I don't have issues with it.  This is the way it is.  This is what I have time for.  This is what he has time for.  Questions have been floating in my mind.  What are we doing?  Is this time really going to be any different than any of the others?  Why have I been in the longest relatonship with him and yet we don't talk on the phone every day.  We don't talk on the phone every other day.  We rarely speak on the phone except to make plans.  We don't email.  Nothing.  Nada.  Yet it's going on 3 years.  I just don't understand why we just can't let each other go.